Expecting, Interpreting, Not Saying

A partner comes home and says little. The thought starts at once, and it builds in four steps. KTT counts each step as a thought, noticed or not, even when it arrives as a tightening that has no words. Research describes the steps under other names, and the studies read for this article did not test whether a thought comes first.

Step one: it must be visible

The thought assumes the feeling shows. It says: they can see I am upset. In 1998, Thomas Gilovich, Kenneth Savitsky and Victoria Medvec reported three sets of studies on what they called the illusion of transparency: people overestimate how much others can discern their internal states. In one study, liars estimated that about half of their peers would detect the lie. About a quarter did, according to a summary of the study. The authors proposed that people start from their own strong feeling and do not adjust far enough toward the other person’s view.

Step two: the silence is read

The thought then reads the other person. It says: that silence means anger. In a 1990 review, Thomas Bradbury and Frank Fincham found that dissatisfied spouses, compared with satisfied ones, explain a partner’s behavior in a way that casts it in a negative light. The review also found data suggesting that such explanations may influence marital satisfaction. The direction is hard to settle. Later work notes that depressive symptoms also go along with such explanations, and one longitudinal study of 34 couples found no effect for husbands.

Step three: nothing is said

The thought decides: if it has to be said, it does not count. The feeling stays inside. This step has no study here, and it is KTT’s reading of the first two.

Step four: the silence confirms itself

The partner, who may not have seen anything, says nothing. The thought takes that as proof, and the chain starts again.

An older ideal

In Japan, understanding without words is a named skill. Ishin-denshin means understanding another through unspoken mutual sensitivity, and in Zen tradition it is traced to a wordless transmission. Sasshi means guessing what is meant, and omoiyari means feeling what another feels. In this ideal, not saying is not a failure. It is a sign of closeness. Researchers also describe enryo, a restraint in asking, in the same culture. The high-context idea is a tendency: one source notes that Japanese culture has both high-context and low-context situations. Whether the same chain looks different in such a culture is not tested in the studies read here.

What is not known

Whether the thought comes before the tightening or after it is not known.

Whether the four steps happen in this order is open.

Whether negative explanations cause distress, follow it, or both is also open.