Avoiding the Talk, Replaying the Argument

Monday, a remark at dinner went wrong. By Tuesday morning the thought has two jobs. Before anything is said, it argues for silence: better not to bring it up. After anything is said, it replays: I should have said it differently. KTT counts both as thoughts, noticed or not, even when they arrive as a tight jaw. Research looks at avoiding a conflict and at replaying one. The studies read for this article did not test whether a thought comes first.

Before the talk

The thought for silence sounds practical. It says: better not to bring it up. It is often right in the short run. In a daily diary study with cortisol, researchers compared days with an argument, days when an argument was avoided, and days without tension. On the same day, arguments were linked to lower well-being than avoiding them. The relief is real.

The study also found a delay. A day on which an argument was avoided was followed, the next day, by lower well-being, with more negative feeling and more physical symptoms, and by higher cortisol, compared with a day without tension. The authors write that avoided arguments may have delayed effects. This is an association in diary reports, not proof that avoiding caused the later day.

After the talk

The replay thought has the same voice at a different hour. It says: I should have said it differently. Rumination is described as repetitively and passively focusing on distress and on its possible causes and consequences. A diary study of naval cadets on a sailing ship found that interpersonal conflicts carried over to the next days, particularly in people high in neuroticism. The authors suggest that rumination may be one reason, since conflicts give a lot to ruminate about. In a small preliminary study of 50 adolescent girls, rumination after social rejection was linked to a flatter daily cortisol pattern on the next day. These findings are associations, in small or special groups.

What is not known

Whether the thought comes before the tight jaw or after it is not known.

Whether avoiding is worse than arguing is open. The diary study found that arguments cost more on the same day. Which cost is larger overall was not tested.

Whether the same pattern holds in other cultures, other kinds of relationships or other kinds of conflict is also open. The diary samples were from specific groups.

Lasting dread of conflict, or replaying that will not stop, can call for professional care. This article describes thoughts, not treatment.

The same voice at two hours

• Before the talk: “Better not to bring it up.”
• After the talk: “I should have said it differently.”
• Both describe a conflict that is not finished.